You are sitting there in your dark decollete room. Sobbing into your hands as the rain pours outside, almost like the weather is mimicking your emotions.
The thunder seems to crash with every exhale. The wind howls and pushes the branches of the nearby tree to scratch on your window.
You just can't believe it. You've run the event through your mind 1,000 times. Where did it all go wrong? How did it happen? What did I do wrong?
Why did she leave me? (you repeatedly ask yourself)
For the past couple hours you have been pacing your room, and bouncing back and forth between emotions. Remembering the good times as well as the bad times. One minute you are begging God to bring her back to you. The next minute you are throwing pillows across your room cursing her name, degrading her, and swearing that she will regret what she has done to you.
You are an absolute mess. Your phone is blowing up from your buds trying to get you to go out with them for a drink to forget about her. But you ignore their calls and texts. You put your phone on silent and hide it under your pillow. You don't want to be around anyone. You don't want to talk to anyone. You just want the pain to stop. You want the hurt to go away.
You tell yourself you will never love again. That this is it. "I am putting up walls so high, and so thick, that no one will be able to get in. Then I won't ever have to feel like this again!"
You begin to start numbing your mind. Turning off your emotions. Burning those nerve endings off so they can never again allow you to feel this kind of pain.
You think to yourself "I can't handle this!" As your eyes well up again with tears just thinking about the love you have for her.
You retreat into yourself a broken, battered and bloodied man.
Brother I have been there. I know exactly what you are feeling and what you are going through mentally.
Let me say that this will pass. I know that holds little comfort, but know that you will get past this pain.
Yes the pain you have is excruciating. It feels like someone just stabbed you. (side note, your brain can't distinguish between the mental trauma of actually being stabbed, and emotional pain. So to those people hurting emotionally from some trauma it is actually like they were stabbed by a knife)
Don't let this pain break you, let it define you.
*Men are better than that then woman. Probably because of ego. Probably why there's no make up for men. We already think we are drop dead sexy.
As sadistic as it sounds. Pain is a good thing. It honestly is. It lets you know you are alive. But more importantly than that, it lets you know you are living!
The reason there is a difference there is because everyone is alive, everyone breathing that is. But few people actually live.
Few people actually put themselves out there to get hurt. Few people are able to be vulnerable enough to show their true sides, to be 100% authentically them. And you did that. Don't shy away from it. That is your greatest strength, your authenticity.
The other reason why pain is good. The pain you either have experienced or are experiencing is a great indication you are on the right path in your life. The pain you have is life getting your ready for something even better. The pain is your transformation into a better life, with greater abundance. But you can't just have that type of life because you want it. No, there needs to be a sacrifice. A price to be paid, a toll to cross the bridge as it were.
Your pain is that sacrifice. Your pain is that toll being paid. All you have to do now is cross the bridge.
But so few of us actually cross that bridge. After we pay that tool we turn around and walk away, and that comes in many forms. But in this case in comes in the form of "walling up" your emotions and swear you will never love again.
If you would just have the courage, the strength, the bravery to continue forward. You will see that life will give you what you greatly desire, and not just that. Life will give you all that with a cherry on top.
Again, I know from experience. I drastically wanted to keep a past relationship. I felt like that was "it" for me, that I didn't have to look any further. So when my heart got broken I retreated back into myself. I even have friends tell me I lost a lot of weight because of what happened (and not the good kind of losing weight).
Little did I know life was preparing me for something grander than what I had, and what I thought was possible. Life prepared me for the family that I have now. For the amazing daughter and beautiful wife I get to spend the rest of my life with.
I never would have this life. I never would have these blessings if I held onto the past. If I walled up myself emotionally, and never loved again.